I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
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I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
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I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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