Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
