My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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