she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
