She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Dicks are not precious.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
