it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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