there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
