I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
