one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
