my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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