Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You ate ashes out of my bong
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
