DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
