if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Please, let me fuck your mom
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
