My first STD was from a foam party
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
