sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I skipped work to stalk him.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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