The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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