I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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