3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
