I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
