can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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