I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
