Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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