that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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