It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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