Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
