Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
