Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If its not for food we ain't going out.