The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night