If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.