not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'