I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
