Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
