I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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