She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
