our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
