I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
