Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
