Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
