what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
