Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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