My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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