She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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