Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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