when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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