im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
