I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She made me pour olive oil on her.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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