I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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