You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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