i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize