She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
