i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
