i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Fuck appropriateness.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
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Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
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I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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