The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
