I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
