Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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