I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
