Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just threw up on my dentist
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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